How Do You Use Your Strengths?

What can we learn from super hero, comic book, etc. movies? I never thought I would be asking this question. For those of you who have worked with me, you would probably guess that my movie interests are not action or superhero based. Rather, I have historically indulged in romantic comedies, laugh out loud comedies and serious films about the human condition or relationships. Since meeting my husband 6 years ago, I have been exposed to new genres and serious films that I had never experienced before. Challenging my hobbies, thinking, and interests has opened new doors and surprisingly expanded my knowledge base and strengths. So- go see something you never thought you would! 

Back to my original thought-I learned that movies that on the surface appear to be purely entertainment may actually illustrate interesting psychological themes. For this piece, I am going to focus on strengths.  

Do you know what strengths you have? Being able to identify your strengths is a good step to take in mental wellness. Spider Man can use webbing to climb, grab, swing, capture, and rescue. The X-Men are comprised of characters who can read minds, fly, manipulate metal, and exert amazing strength. Superman can fly, is incredibly strong, and has x-ray vision.  

Now that I have listed a few strengths of characters in movies, it's time to ask the next question. How do you use your strengths? The characters mentioned above have used their strengths  for good and bad, depending on the portrayal. Some have intended to use their talents and abilities for good, but it turned out to work against them. Some have thought it was appropriate to utilize a particular strength, but it was not the best time to display it. The Hulk, for example, has amazing muscular power, but he sometimes is not able to control its use and can thus hurt himself and those around him.  

Next, how can you use your strengths differently? Some situations call for you to use a strength while others do not. We can use our strengths more, less, or differently.  

We can and should focus and develop our strengths, not our weaknesses. Think about some famous characters and how they have grown. In the X-Men movies, Professor X puts together an academy to do just this. Characters are taught skills to effectively manage, develop, and utilize their strengths. 

There are some great assessments available online if you are interested in learning more about your unique strengths and would like to open a discussion about how they are being used in your daily life. 

Here are a few: 

VIA Institute on Character
Authentic Happiness Questionnaire Center

Gallup Strengths Center 

Realise2 

Let me know what you learn and contact me if you would like to chat more about developing your or your child's strengths.  

Am I An Effective Problem Solver?

Should I move out of my parents house? Should my child repeat Kindergarten? Should I get married? Should I accept the new job? Should I get divorced? Should I make-up with my friend? Should I go away to college? These are only a few of the big life questions many of us are faced with at some point in our lives.  

What about some other, more common questions we ask ourselves on a daily basis? What should I make for dinner? Who should I ask to go to the movies tonight? Where should I park my car? What time should I wake up tomorrow? 

Opportunities for making choices are all around us. How effective are you at making choices? This may sound like a simple or minor question, but it is more important than you might think. One of the most common reasons people seek therapy is trouble with decision making. Either they are not sure about a major life decision or they experience daily distress regarding making choices. 

What do we know? Problem solving is key. Effective problem solving starts with specifically identifying and describing the problem (e.g., "I want a raise at work but I don't know how to ask for one"). This gives us a clear picture of what we are dealing with and helps to focus our thinking. Next, consider all of the possible solutions to the problem without evaluating whether or not it is a good choice or a bad choice. It is good to list even the outlandish options (e.g., "push my boss down the stairs and demand he gives me a raise"), since this is an option you could feasibly choose (but hopefully won't!). This step is important to keep your mind open to various choices and not become limited by crossing off choices before effectively considering them. Third, consider each option individually. List the advantages and disadvantages of each one. Try to predict the outcome of each option. Note-you will never be able to predict every possible outcome!  Fourth, choose the best option for you and try it out. Fifth, evaluate your choice and re-evaluate as needed.  

During this process, work on accepting the outcome and avoid punishing yourself if the choice turns out to not be the best one. Try again. Good problem solving takes practice. 

This process may seem time consuming, and it can be. But I challenge you to this. How much time are we spending with our problems anyway? Why not use the time more effectively? 

If you find that you are struggling with daily decision making, please seek the support of a mental health professional.  

How effective are you at solving problems and making choices?

Spring Cleaning

Spring is here! Finally! I love seeing flowers bloom, the sun shining, and daylight lasting longer. The air feels warmer, the grass will start to feel thicker, and outside activities are more popular. It's also when we clean our homes, schools, offices, parks, yards, and cars. Some of us will see beautiful weather and exciting opportunities for growth and renewal, while others may see bugs, weeds, and work to do.


What do you see? What do you want to see? While two people may physically experience the same spring event, they may emotionally experience it differently. You have the power to choose how you will view your spring cleaning.


Based on years of research in the field of cognition, we know that events (the physical experience) do not directly cause us to feel the emotion we experience. There is space and time during which we interpret the event (how we think) and it is that interpretation that is directly related to the feeling we experience. If we see that it is raining (the physical experience) and think "ugh, more rain. What a dreary day" then we will likely feel a negative emotion such as sad or angry. On the other hand, if we see that it is raining and think "more rain. At least I don't have to water the flowers today" we may feel more positive about the physical experience and feel relieved or even happy.


Our interpretations matter. If you are mindful about how you interpret events, you will be able to observe habits and patterns in your thinking. You will be able to practice changing or modifying your interpretations to be optimistic, realistic, and helpful.

When you are cleaning your office, room, home, or yard, remember to spend some time "spring cleaning" your thoughts.


Happy Spring!

Change

As I am writing this blog, I am reflecting on the childhood rhyme, "March comes in like a lion and out like a lamb."  Since we just had another snowstorm here in NY, I am especially hoping this to be true this year.  Why am I talking about weather? I am thinking about change. Change that happens as seasons transition. Change that happens when you have 60 degree days over the weekend and then 20 degree days during the week. Change that happens when you see snow falling, then melting, then falling again.  

While I prefer the warmer weather, being able to cozy up with a blanket, a book or a movie, and family is appealing as well during these cold winter months. But sometimes I wonder- what will the new season bring? Rain? Sunshine? Heat? Flowers? More snow? So often, we spend time wondering about what's next and don't spend enough time in the what is. Spending time in the now is being mindful.  

Life is like the seasons changing. We wonder when there is a problem we are experiencing (the "lion") if it will ever get resolved. Will we ever experience the calm days (the "lamb") again? Just as it is hard to picture beautiful flowers sprouting from a nutritious rich soil in the middle of winter, it is also hard to picture getting along with the family, being successful at work, getting a good grade in class, feeling happy in a relationship, making a new friend, and achieving a goal. While I would love to say that it always gets better and people always experience the calm, I can't. I can't because it is not always true. The seasons are generally predictable. Winter will not last forever (even though it may feel that way sometimes!). Spring will come.  But, how meaningful, wonderful, difficult, messy, or fun the next season will be depends on many factors.  

To get the benefits out of new seasons and to effectively transition into preferred weather conditions, we need to support the seasonal change. Flowers need water and food in addition to the springtime sunshine to grow.  They also need attention. They need someone to problem solve to try different areas in the yard (more shade or more sun) to grow effectively.

Why do clients enter therapy?  Change. To change themselves. To change someone else. To change a situation. To get more comfortable with change. It all has to do with change. 
    

I invite you to accept change. To deal with it. To struggle with it. To accept it. To embrace it. 

What areas do you want to change as we transition into a new season?    

Understanding Your Child's Educational Experience: The Common Core and High Stakes Testing

A few days ago, I watched a group of parents protesting the Common Core and high stakes testing outside of a local school district on the news. There were parents expressing concern and dissatisfaction with district and sate educational policies. There were children communicating frustration, confusion, and feelings of failure. This is not the only public outcry for support, help, and change in recent months. A brief online search will show you a variety of videos and written works professing similar concerns. This negative experience that students, teachers, administrators, and parents are communicating is sad and serves as a motivator for change.  

I have spent the last several months working with families and speaking with school staff to understand the challenges related to the Common Core and state testing and to develop practical strategies for coping with these changes. I am saddened by the idea that there are capable children who feel like failures as a result of new academic requirements.  

The following are some helpful strategies that families can utilize to understand and support their child's educational experience. 

Help your child to discover and utilize effective coping skills. Teach your child to focus on areas of success, not failure. Encourage them and provide support. Listen to what your child is communicating to you. Avoid "showing" them how to do the work. How you learned to complete a problem is likely very different than they are learning it today. 

Work with, not against your child's teacher and district. The Common Core is not a district initiated change, it is a federal change. Understand the differences between the Common Core and high stakes testing. Contact your district to learn about which tests your child will be taking, when they will be taking them, and the options available for opting out or receiving accommodations. 

Be informed. Do your research. Ask questions. Communicate any concerns with the teacher. Get clarification from the teacher about how work should be completed. Get examples.  

It is very important for parents to be informed about their child's day-to-day educational experience.  You can learn more about the Common Core by visiting these websites: 

http://www.corestandards.org/ 

http://www.p12.nysed.gov/ciai/common_core_standards/ccsbackground.html 

If you would like to learn more about high stakes testing, you can contact your district, or (if you are a NYS resident) visit http://www.p12.nysed.gov/assessment/ 

Remember, you can be an advocate for your child and teach them to advocate for themselves.

How Do We Actually Keep Our New Year's Resolutions?

How do we actually keep our New Year's Resolutions? This is a question that is asked each year, usually by the end of January. New Year's Resolutions are essentially goals that we set for ourselves to accomplish during the year. These goals, however, may not be met and are set to be the following year's resolutions. Why does this happen? How can we achieve our resolutions? 

 

In my practice, we spend the first session or two, and then as often as needed, discussing long term and short term goals/objectives. These are different terms, to be discussed below. Often, a New Year's Resolution is a long term goal (e.g., "I want to loose weight," "I want to have a good bathing suit body," "I want to get a new job," "I want to quit smoking") and it does not reflect the certain attributes that are needed to actually be successful in attaining this goal. 

 

If we want our resolutions to be kept, we need to have an understanding of what healthy goal setting looks like. Long term goals are the broad aspirations that we would like to achieve later in the future. They are the end destination in a particular area of our lives. Long term goals may be large or small. Short term goals or objectives are the steps on the ladder to get you there. We don't jump on the roof of a three story building from the ground without climbing each step on the way up (unless we are Spider Man or another superhero-which is highly unlikely). For example, a long term goal may be for a child to learn how to wash their hands independently. Now, this may seem like a simple task and too simple to be a long term goal. However, take a moment and think of all of the objectives that need to be accomplished before the child achieves the long term goal of washing their hands independently. If you need some help, here are just a few of the steps on the ladder: walk to appropriate sink, turn water on, wet hands, pump soap, lather hands (both hands, between fingers, palm and outer hand), rinse soap off, turn water off, and dry hands. The child needs to be able to complete each of the objectives in order to achieve the long term goal. 

 

Why am I writing about hand washing steps? If we have a resolution to go to the gym and loose weight and we have never been to the gym before, we are not likely to start going 4 times a week and maintain this schedule for long. If we haven't been looking for a new job, we are not likely to get hired by a company with a 50% salary increase by January 15th. There are objectives and short term goals that need to be accomplished first. 

 

Goals need to be measurable (go to the gym 2 times/week for 30min each time), attainable (look for a new job to earn more money, not win the lottery), specific (target one behavior-eating, drinking, or exercising, not "be healthier") and realistic (learn 2 new healthy dinner recipes, not become a famous gourmet health chef on TV within 1 month).  

 

When we set long term and short term goals, it can be helpful to make sure that we have enough steps on the ladder (objectives), a realistic long term goal, and that we make sure each goal is measurable, attainable, specific, and realistic. 

 

Let's not confuse goals with dreams. You can dream about winning the lottery or becoming famous. These just don’t make for good resolutions or goals. 

 

Consider revising your resolutions so they have enough short term goals and are measurable, attainable, specific, and realistic.  It's never too late. If you noticed, I noted earlier that goals are discussed as often as needed throughout treatment in my practice. Goals can and should be revised whenever needed. Circumstances, desires, feelings, and finances change. Be flexible with your goal setting and enjoy climbing the ladder! 

 

What are your revised New Year's Resolutions? 

Helpful Strategies for Celebrating with Special Needs

Celebrating holidays with family and friends can be challenging. There may be more people, sounds, visual stimuli, and expectations. Many families experience heightened stress around the holidays, especially if you have a child with special needs. Here are some strategies that may be helpful to remember when celebrating during this holiday season.

Be Proactive
If you are traveling by train, bus, or airplane, it is important to research certain information prior to your trip. It may be helpful to call ahead and find out wait times, what waiting areas are like, traffic conditions, possible detours, places to sit, places to eat, location of bathroom, when rest stops will be, etc. If you are travelling by car, look ahead for traffic and construction. Waiting is a difficult skill for many individuals with special needs (and for some individuals who do not have special needs too!). Some facilities (such as amusement parks and airports) may offer shorter wait times or early board times with appropriate documentation.

Be Prepared
Pack, pack, and pack! Pack even if you are just traveling a short distance or you are not traveling at all. Have reinforcers, toys, books, and snacks available at all times. These can be lifesavers at a holiday gathering. It is also important to bring any behavior plans, coping skills charts, token economies, and communication assistance devices. If you child engages in dangerous behavior (e.g., eloping, unsupervised cooking, fire playing, etc.), make sure to have preventative measures in place in each new setting. Your child will still need support (and maybe a little extra support) when celebrating with family and friends.

Explain
Decide in advance how you would like to communicate information about your child and his/her needs to friends and family. Your doctor may have brochures you can share, depending on how detailed you would like to be. It is helpful to let other individuals know what modifications may be made and how your child may respond. Many families find it helpful to work out a plan in advance for responding to challenging behavior, should it occur in the presence of new people or people your child is not with very often.

Have Fun
Even though the holiday season can be stressful, remember to “be” (see November’s blog). Have fun with your child. Let them know they are loved and will be safe and you are both prepared to handle challenging situations.

Remember, you will never be able to predict everything. Sometimes a monkey wrench is tossed into the situation. Model good coping skills when this happens. Change can be OK and growth may even occur when challenges are experienced.

 Warm Wishes for a Happy and Healthy Holiday Season!