Helpful Strategies for Celebrating with Special Needs

Celebrating holidays with family and friends can be challenging. There may be more people, sounds, visual stimuli, and expectations. Many families experience heightened stress around the holidays, especially if you have a child with special needs. Here are some strategies that may be helpful to remember when celebrating during this holiday season.

Be Proactive
If you are traveling by train, bus, or airplane, it is important to research certain information prior to your trip. It may be helpful to call ahead and find out wait times, what waiting areas are like, traffic conditions, possible detours, places to sit, places to eat, location of bathroom, when rest stops will be, etc. If you are travelling by car, look ahead for traffic and construction. Waiting is a difficult skill for many individuals with special needs (and for some individuals who do not have special needs too!). Some facilities (such as amusement parks and airports) may offer shorter wait times or early board times with appropriate documentation.

Be Prepared
Pack, pack, and pack! Pack even if you are just traveling a short distance or you are not traveling at all. Have reinforcers, toys, books, and snacks available at all times. These can be lifesavers at a holiday gathering. It is also important to bring any behavior plans, coping skills charts, token economies, and communication assistance devices. If you child engages in dangerous behavior (e.g., eloping, unsupervised cooking, fire playing, etc.), make sure to have preventative measures in place in each new setting. Your child will still need support (and maybe a little extra support) when celebrating with family and friends.

Explain
Decide in advance how you would like to communicate information about your child and his/her needs to friends and family. Your doctor may have brochures you can share, depending on how detailed you would like to be. It is helpful to let other individuals know what modifications may be made and how your child may respond. Many families find it helpful to work out a plan in advance for responding to challenging behavior, should it occur in the presence of new people or people your child is not with very often.

Have Fun
Even though the holiday season can be stressful, remember to “be” (see November’s blog). Have fun with your child. Let them know they are loved and will be safe and you are both prepared to handle challenging situations.

Remember, you will never be able to predict everything. Sometimes a monkey wrench is tossed into the situation. Model good coping skills when this happens. Change can be OK and growth may even occur when challenges are experienced.

 Warm Wishes for a Happy and Healthy Holiday Season!

The “Being” Experience During the Holidays

“We are human beings, not human doings.” This phrase really resonates with me, especially around the holidays. A colleague introduced me to this concept a few months ago, and it popped up again in a book I was reading recently. I think I am being reminded of something. We human beings have many opportunities to choose how to spend our time every day. We can choose to use our time for people, technology, trips, exercise, sleep, TV, chores, work, errands, etc. As we all know very well, the list can go on and on. Thinking about this phrase reminds me that this is the point. The list does go on and on. There will always be another activity, chore, phone call to make, thing to buy, or meeting to attend.  Our loved ones and friends, however, may not always be there waiting for us while we check things off of our to-do list. Knowing this is a gentle nudge to use our time wisely and make room for mindfully being with people in our community.

When I say community, I don’t just mean our neighborhood. I mean who is present in our personal community in our lives. This may include (not limited to) parents, children, siblings, grandparents, a spiritual being (e.g., God), friends, co-workers and neighbors.

As a psychologist working with children (and adults), I see families feeling so busy, stressed, and running from one activity to the next. Kids will tell me how they have such a busy week that they think about everything they need to do while they are in school- Soccer, gymnastics, Boy Scouts, Girl Scouts, church, dance, HW, football, drama club, birthday parties, and, of course, their appointment with me. Parents will say they run from one appointment and activity to the next for themselves and for each of their kids.

For parents, it is so important to remember that you are a human being and not a human doing. Your children are yearning for your time. Some kids feels that their parents don’t spend enough time with them, and their parents don’t understand this because they are bringing them to all of these activities and are maybe coaching their team or leading their club. These are truly wonderful ways to spend time with your kids. But kids want more. They want special mommy or daddy time. They want special family time. This means choosing to spend time playing, reading, laughing, tickling, chasing, talking, listening, and relaxing rather than running, rushing, accomplishing, and achieving. This is the difference between being and doing.

I have seen many kids in my practice who are engaging in problem behaviors at home. These may include yelling, hitting, not following directions, and arguing. Mom and dad feel forced to attend to their kids when they are acting this way. But, it is important to remember that all behavior is communication. Some of these behaviors may be communicating that they want to spend more time with you and they don’t know how else to show it. When you attend to problem behaviors, you attend to the child as well.

I find it helpful to plan ahead and make a schedule for work and for family time. I also find that flexibility in your plan is just as important as having one. Part of cultivating community is being flexible, going with the flow, and accepting what comes up in your day. Sometimes you feel you have to be in three places at once, and sometimes you need to be with your kids if they are sick, sad, or need to talk. As this holiday season approaches, let us remember to take time to choose being and not doing all the time. If we are being, we may be able to actually accomplish more than if we are focused on doing. We will likely have more fun through the season as well.

How will you be a human being and not a human doing this holiday season?

Halloween and Anxiety: A Good Treat or a Bad Trick?

It's October, which means that school has been in session for a while, the leaves are changing beautiful colors, the temperature is cooling, and the holidays seem to be just around the corner. October is also a month during which many children and families (and some grown-ups too) are getting ready for Halloween. They are shopping for costumes, candy, and decorations. Many kids like to do the decorating themselves, allowing them to express independence and creativity.

Some homes are decorated with spider webs and pumpkins. Others are grounds for mock cemeteries with RIP stones on the lawn or have elaborate haunted houses available. Some homes have human size fake bodies covered in blood or with missing body parts stationed in front. Many people will enjoy these decorations in the spirit of Halloween. Many will not.

What about people who suffer from anxiety? What about children who have nightmares at the first look of a scary cartoon? What about adults with a fear of dying, getting injured in some way, or getting lost where they can't escape? How are these individuals affected?

People with anxiety may experience Halloween differently. We are all individuals and can tolerate different types of stimuli. Some will have nightmares (yes, even grown-ups), want to avoid certain settings (trick or treating at certain houses, parties at school, scary movies), or become fearful.

This is important to remember as you decide how you will celebrate.  If you are a parent and your child suffers from anxiety, you know your child best. If you are an adult, you know yourself best. It is OK and healthy to decide which festive activities to participate in.

There are many programs designed for children that are actually very scary. Many "kid friendly" shows and movies can present concepts that may be difficult to understand such as kidnapping, death, illness, witchcraft, and ghosts. As a parent it is important to be sure that you are permitting your child to experience material that is appropriate developmentally and emotionally.

Now, let's not be confused with exposure treatment for anxiety. A general rule of thumb is that when we avoid something we are anxious about, it reinforces our anxiety, making it more difficult to face that situation in the future. This is true. Within the context of Halloween, however, I believe it is OK to avoid certain stimuli that are not needed for healthy development or functioning. If your child cannot attend school during the season because he/she is afraid of the parties, decorations, or costumes, it is important for him/her to attend school anyway. This would be a case when anxiety can be inadvertently reinforced if the child is permitted to stay home. A talk with the teacher may help to modify classroom stimuli to make it safer for your child to be there. Working with your child on coping skills can also help him/her feel safe in school. If your child wants to avoid scary movies, then this is OK. Let them. One does not need to be exposed to scary or horror films in order to develop appropriately. One does, however, need to be educated. See the difference?

And for you grown-ups out there who love horror films and Halloween parties, have fun! For those of you who want to crawl into a hole instead of watching the "however many nights of Halloween" specials on TV, then read on. It is OK that you do not like this material. We all have different tastes, interests, and levels of tolerance. Decide how you would like the next few weeks to be for you and make a plan.

Trick or treating is another interesting activity for people with anxiety. Think about it. You dress up in a costume, walk up to a stranger's door (or hopefully someone you know and have determined is safe to trick or treat from), knock, wait for someone to answer, say "Trick or Treat," hold open your bag or bucket, say "thank you," walk away, and repeat. Also, you have to stay with your friends and family, possibly walk a long distance in unusual clothing, and accept whatever treat has been given to you. Not such a simple process, right? Trick or treating can be a great way to practice social skills, follow a routine, and be exposed to new and unpredictable situations. However, how important a life skill is it to knock on people's doors and ask for treats? You decide.

Consider all of this information as you decide, either for yourself or your children, how to participate in Halloween. You can choose the specific activities to join, consumes to wear, stores to shop in, parties to attend, houses to trick or treat at, movies to watch, or candy to eat. Utilizing your power to choose is a great skill to practice for healthy development and functioning.

So, what is Halloween for you? A good treat or a bad trick?

#Halloween #Anxiety

How to Have a Fun, Meaningful, Successful, and Memorable College Experience

 

College-what an exciting and terrifying time! It's exciting and terrifying for both students and parents. It’s the start of a brand new learning experience. It's an opportunity to shed old reputations and try on new ones. It's a time to challenge yourself and reach goals you never thought you could. It's a time to form lasting relationships and friendships. It's a time to learn and practice stress and time management skills. It's also a time when independence and autonomy gets tested. It's when "all nighters" might be pulled, parties are attended, and anxiety experienced.  

 

Many people describe college as life changing and feeling as if they have grown tremendously during the years they spent in school. College can be a truly amazing and fantastic experience that can impact your life in a healthy and positive way. For some, however, ineffective management of college life can impede on personal growth and can even be hurtful. 

 

What kind of college student are you? What kind of college student do you hope to be? If you are a parent of a college student, what kinds of hopes and dreams do you have for your "all grown up" child? 

 

If you want to have a fun, meaningful, successful, and memorable college experience, then please read on!  

 

This is an exclusive sneak peak into my brand new initiative, the College Suite. This will be open to students, parents, and teachers. Details coming soon. I can't wait to share this opportunity with you! 

 

In the meantime, I have included a selection of helpful strategies from the College Suite that I have learned, taught, and practiced for having a super college experience.  

 

Get Involved! 

Getting involved in college activities, clubs, and events can change a boring and stressful college experience into a fulfilling one.  This is true even if you feel like you can't possibly fit another minute into your day. Joining a club or attending an event can actually help refresh your mind and make those classes and homework time more productive. 

 

Reevaluate 

What worked in high school might not work in college. What works in one class might not work with another class. What works with one professor might not work with another. This means that it is important for you reevaluate your study techniques (flash cards, highlighting, groups, etc.), test taking strategies, workload management, etc. 

 

Be Here Now 

One can be in attendance in class but not be present. This means mindfully being in the room with your attention and awareness focused in the present moment. Really hear and see what the professor is teaching. You can text and Facebook surf later. You can daydream later. Your messages will be waiting for you. What was taught in class may not be repeated and you may miss an important piece of information. 

 

Take Care of Test Anxiety 

Many college students struggle with test anxiety, even if they have never experienced anxiety before. Learning effective study strategies, preparing adequately (not too much and not too little) for exams, practicing deep breathing, managing stress, and learning effective test taking techniques can really help alleviate discomfort and enhance performance. The counseling center on campus and a therapist in the community can help too. 

 

Check my website and Facebook page for updates in the next few weeks about how to join the College Suite. You can also sign up for my newsletter on the website and you will be the first to know!

#collegesuccess  #collegeexperience

The Day Trip for Families: Friend or Foe?

Taking a trip to a new place with a child can be exciting and terrifying. You pick a day. You pick a place. You pick the people to join you. You pick what to bring. What you don't get to pick is your child's mood that day. You don't get to pick the prices. You don't get to pick if anyone is going to be sick or healthy that day. You don't get to pick the weather. This is all OK. 

 

I recently took two day trips (or 1/2 day trips) to child friendly locations, an ecology center and an aquarium.  There were many families at both. Both settings involved animals or other living creatures. Both settings were crowded, involved walking, were unpredictable, and included outdoor and indoor activities. Some adults have difficulty when faced with situations that have these qualities. Many children also experience a level of discomfort mixed in with excitement for traveling to a new place and seeing cool species. Now imagine a child with special needs. How is he/she feeling and dealing with the unpredictability of animals, shows, and events? How is he/she coping with being surrounded by lots of strangers, tall people, little people, strollers, wheelchairs, and animals? How is he/she managing the energy and perseverance of walking great lengths in the hot sun? The answer? It depends. There's that phrase again (in case you missed my last blog post, read through it and "it depends" will make more sense to you).  A better question might be- how are mom and dad handling these factors? Are they comfortable or distressed? Are they laughing when they read a schedule wrong and missed an event, or are they yelling because their child is unable to sit for 20 minutes to wait for the next showing? 

 

Children look to the adults and others around them for cues about how to think, feel, and act. This can be very useful, or it can be unhelpful and even hurtful. Parents can model appropriate coping skills and behaviors for their children in these difficult (even though they are fun) situations. Children with special needs may need some additional support. Consider calling the locations in advance and find out what accommodations they offer. These may include preferential seating or parking, use of headphones, early entry/exit, and reduced waiting times. You may want to consider bringing snacks, toys, and coping items (book, blanket, picture cards, etc.) with you for your child to use during stressful situations. If your child uses a communication device,  bring it with you and allow your child to have access to it at all times. Remember, this is their voice. Listen to your child. Ask a relative, close friend, or professional to take the trip with you. This may help the child and parents feel more successful and relaxed when additional eyes, ears, and support are available. Prepare your child about the upcoming experience and let them know that there may be some unpredictability and this is OK. We can call these events "monkey wrenches." Adults-this is for you too. Sometimes life throws you a monkey wrench such as rain on the day you wanted to go to the beach or get that yard work done. The point is-change is all around us and it can be good. Part of preparing your kids for what to expect to reduce unpredictability is actually preparing them for change and monkey wrenches! 

 

Have fun during the rest of summer (it's not over yet!) and plan a trip to take in the next few weeks. Just be sure to actually have fun and don't stress about the monkey wrenches. If you have fun, you're kids probably will too.

#DrLauraVSH   #SpecialNeeds

Back to School: Is it REALLY Time Now to Get Ready?

 

Recently I was in a bagel shop enjoying a delicious meal when I looked up and saw on the menu that they had an entire board devoted to "Back to School Savings." What? Why does a bagel shop need to have back to school savings and especially why is this even an option in July. This is an example of a huge movement in retail and other public arenas to start preparing for transitions way too early. I have been seeing back to school sales in all of the major chains and smaller stores as well for weeks. Now, you must know that I actually LOVE shopping in these sections and purchasing school and office supplies and I always have. Growing up (and I actually still do), I considered myself to be a nerd. I loved school from my very first day of preschool and was always eager to learn, and of course, get ready for my next school year. I don't remember, however, how early my parents felt the pressure needed to prepare me for a big transition between grades and even bigger--between schools. Having some anxiety myself, even for a kid who loved school, getting ready for and talking about this transition definitely heightened nervousness. 

 

Fast forward to today, working as a psychologist and seeing so many children becoming anxious about going to school, I became so interested in the retail phenomena of back to school savings. Working with schools and families, I have learned about the work and stress that goes into planning big graduations, especially for preschoolers. While these events are important to have and it is great to celebrate accomplishments, it is still necessary to balance the excitement between one school year ending and another one beginning. There are two months (typically) between these two milestones. Parents-enjoy the summer and time off with your kids. There are plenty of books and professionals you can access to help prepare your children for the next transition when the time is right. 

 

How do you know when the time is right? The answer is (as I learned in graduate school that this is usually the correct answer) it depends. For some children, they may be eager to start talking about and visiting their new school or anxiously awaiting at the mailbox in late August for the name of their teacher or class schedule. Other children may be more nervous (whether they are verbally communicating this to their parents or not) about beginning a new year. This may be especially true when the summer marks a transition between two levels of school (such as between preschool and Kindergarten, and Junior high and high school). It is normal to experience a certain level of anxiety about starting a new school year. After all, it is a chance to learn new things, meet new people, and challenge yourself with a new curriculum. But let it be that. And let it stop there. No need to talk repeatedly about transitioning to Kindergarten by practicing graduation songs in March. No need to purchase 6 different books to start reading them to your child in June. You know your child the best and you know what they need. Listen and pay attention to your child's words and behaviors. They are communicating to you. If you know that you have told your child they are going to Disney World two months before you are actually leaving and they can’t stop talking about it or asking you when you are leaving multiple times a day, you may have learned that they transition better when told about something new a few days prior to the change. If you child does better with slowly processing new information and upcoming changes, he/she may need to be prepared a bit earlier in slow increments. 

 

There are some helpful ideas for preparing your child to start a new school year. Some parents have shared that reading books (and you can buy them easily at any bookstore or online) about going back to school have been helpful. Others have found it helpful (and this is one of my favorite and often recommended ideas)  to have a special trip to the store with your child to choose his/her school supplies and give input into the materials that work best for them (and are required by the school). Some parents choose to bring their child to the playground of the new school and let them get used to the scenery. There are many ideas that can be used. The most important things to remember are to know your child, listen to what they are communicating to you, let them know they will be safe at school, and you will be there every step of the way to help them transition.  

 

Some children may need a little extra support to talk about, prepare for, or make the transition to a new school year. This is ok and there is lots of support out there. I love working with children and families and helping with this transition. Call me, write me an e-mail, or visit me online and I will be happy to help. You can also post on my Facebook page. I love to hear your thoughts! 

 

So now, go and enjoy the rest of summer with your kids.  

 

Best, 

 

Dr. Laura 

 

#DrLauraVSH  #BacktoSchoolAnxiety

 

Laura Van Schaick-Harman, Psy.D., NCSP            

NYS Licensed Psychologist Lic. # 019611               

NYS Certified School Psychologist 

 

631-484-9679

DrLauraVSH@meaningfulpsychservices.com

www.meaningfulpsychservices.com