Change

As I am writing this blog, I am reflecting on the childhood rhyme, "March comes in like a lion and out like a lamb."  Since we just had another snowstorm here in NY, I am especially hoping this to be true this year.  Why am I talking about weather? I am thinking about change. Change that happens as seasons transition. Change that happens when you have 60 degree days over the weekend and then 20 degree days during the week. Change that happens when you see snow falling, then melting, then falling again.  

While I prefer the warmer weather, being able to cozy up with a blanket, a book or a movie, and family is appealing as well during these cold winter months. But sometimes I wonder- what will the new season bring? Rain? Sunshine? Heat? Flowers? More snow? So often, we spend time wondering about what's next and don't spend enough time in the what is. Spending time in the now is being mindful.  

Life is like the seasons changing. We wonder when there is a problem we are experiencing (the "lion") if it will ever get resolved. Will we ever experience the calm days (the "lamb") again? Just as it is hard to picture beautiful flowers sprouting from a nutritious rich soil in the middle of winter, it is also hard to picture getting along with the family, being successful at work, getting a good grade in class, feeling happy in a relationship, making a new friend, and achieving a goal. While I would love to say that it always gets better and people always experience the calm, I can't. I can't because it is not always true. The seasons are generally predictable. Winter will not last forever (even though it may feel that way sometimes!). Spring will come.  But, how meaningful, wonderful, difficult, messy, or fun the next season will be depends on many factors.  

To get the benefits out of new seasons and to effectively transition into preferred weather conditions, we need to support the seasonal change. Flowers need water and food in addition to the springtime sunshine to grow.  They also need attention. They need someone to problem solve to try different areas in the yard (more shade or more sun) to grow effectively.

Why do clients enter therapy?  Change. To change themselves. To change someone else. To change a situation. To get more comfortable with change. It all has to do with change. 
    

I invite you to accept change. To deal with it. To struggle with it. To accept it. To embrace it. 

What areas do you want to change as we transition into a new season?    

Understanding Your Child's Educational Experience: The Common Core and High Stakes Testing

A few days ago, I watched a group of parents protesting the Common Core and high stakes testing outside of a local school district on the news. There were parents expressing concern and dissatisfaction with district and sate educational policies. There were children communicating frustration, confusion, and feelings of failure. This is not the only public outcry for support, help, and change in recent months. A brief online search will show you a variety of videos and written works professing similar concerns. This negative experience that students, teachers, administrators, and parents are communicating is sad and serves as a motivator for change.  

I have spent the last several months working with families and speaking with school staff to understand the challenges related to the Common Core and state testing and to develop practical strategies for coping with these changes. I am saddened by the idea that there are capable children who feel like failures as a result of new academic requirements.  

The following are some helpful strategies that families can utilize to understand and support their child's educational experience. 

Help your child to discover and utilize effective coping skills. Teach your child to focus on areas of success, not failure. Encourage them and provide support. Listen to what your child is communicating to you. Avoid "showing" them how to do the work. How you learned to complete a problem is likely very different than they are learning it today. 

Work with, not against your child's teacher and district. The Common Core is not a district initiated change, it is a federal change. Understand the differences between the Common Core and high stakes testing. Contact your district to learn about which tests your child will be taking, when they will be taking them, and the options available for opting out or receiving accommodations. 

Be informed. Do your research. Ask questions. Communicate any concerns with the teacher. Get clarification from the teacher about how work should be completed. Get examples.  

It is very important for parents to be informed about their child's day-to-day educational experience.  You can learn more about the Common Core by visiting these websites: 

http://www.corestandards.org/ 

http://www.p12.nysed.gov/ciai/common_core_standards/ccsbackground.html 

If you would like to learn more about high stakes testing, you can contact your district, or (if you are a NYS resident) visit http://www.p12.nysed.gov/assessment/ 

Remember, you can be an advocate for your child and teach them to advocate for themselves.

How Do We Actually Keep Our New Year's Resolutions?

How do we actually keep our New Year's Resolutions? This is a question that is asked each year, usually by the end of January. New Year's Resolutions are essentially goals that we set for ourselves to accomplish during the year. These goals, however, may not be met and are set to be the following year's resolutions. Why does this happen? How can we achieve our resolutions? 

 

In my practice, we spend the first session or two, and then as often as needed, discussing long term and short term goals/objectives. These are different terms, to be discussed below. Often, a New Year's Resolution is a long term goal (e.g., "I want to loose weight," "I want to have a good bathing suit body," "I want to get a new job," "I want to quit smoking") and it does not reflect the certain attributes that are needed to actually be successful in attaining this goal. 

 

If we want our resolutions to be kept, we need to have an understanding of what healthy goal setting looks like. Long term goals are the broad aspirations that we would like to achieve later in the future. They are the end destination in a particular area of our lives. Long term goals may be large or small. Short term goals or objectives are the steps on the ladder to get you there. We don't jump on the roof of a three story building from the ground without climbing each step on the way up (unless we are Spider Man or another superhero-which is highly unlikely). For example, a long term goal may be for a child to learn how to wash their hands independently. Now, this may seem like a simple task and too simple to be a long term goal. However, take a moment and think of all of the objectives that need to be accomplished before the child achieves the long term goal of washing their hands independently. If you need some help, here are just a few of the steps on the ladder: walk to appropriate sink, turn water on, wet hands, pump soap, lather hands (both hands, between fingers, palm and outer hand), rinse soap off, turn water off, and dry hands. The child needs to be able to complete each of the objectives in order to achieve the long term goal. 

 

Why am I writing about hand washing steps? If we have a resolution to go to the gym and loose weight and we have never been to the gym before, we are not likely to start going 4 times a week and maintain this schedule for long. If we haven't been looking for a new job, we are not likely to get hired by a company with a 50% salary increase by January 15th. There are objectives and short term goals that need to be accomplished first. 

 

Goals need to be measurable (go to the gym 2 times/week for 30min each time), attainable (look for a new job to earn more money, not win the lottery), specific (target one behavior-eating, drinking, or exercising, not "be healthier") and realistic (learn 2 new healthy dinner recipes, not become a famous gourmet health chef on TV within 1 month).  

 

When we set long term and short term goals, it can be helpful to make sure that we have enough steps on the ladder (objectives), a realistic long term goal, and that we make sure each goal is measurable, attainable, specific, and realistic. 

 

Let's not confuse goals with dreams. You can dream about winning the lottery or becoming famous. These just don’t make for good resolutions or goals. 

 

Consider revising your resolutions so they have enough short term goals and are measurable, attainable, specific, and realistic.  It's never too late. If you noticed, I noted earlier that goals are discussed as often as needed throughout treatment in my practice. Goals can and should be revised whenever needed. Circumstances, desires, feelings, and finances change. Be flexible with your goal setting and enjoy climbing the ladder! 

 

What are your revised New Year's Resolutions? 

Helpful Strategies for Celebrating with Special Needs

Celebrating holidays with family and friends can be challenging. There may be more people, sounds, visual stimuli, and expectations. Many families experience heightened stress around the holidays, especially if you have a child with special needs. Here are some strategies that may be helpful to remember when celebrating during this holiday season.

Be Proactive
If you are traveling by train, bus, or airplane, it is important to research certain information prior to your trip. It may be helpful to call ahead and find out wait times, what waiting areas are like, traffic conditions, possible detours, places to sit, places to eat, location of bathroom, when rest stops will be, etc. If you are travelling by car, look ahead for traffic and construction. Waiting is a difficult skill for many individuals with special needs (and for some individuals who do not have special needs too!). Some facilities (such as amusement parks and airports) may offer shorter wait times or early board times with appropriate documentation.

Be Prepared
Pack, pack, and pack! Pack even if you are just traveling a short distance or you are not traveling at all. Have reinforcers, toys, books, and snacks available at all times. These can be lifesavers at a holiday gathering. It is also important to bring any behavior plans, coping skills charts, token economies, and communication assistance devices. If you child engages in dangerous behavior (e.g., eloping, unsupervised cooking, fire playing, etc.), make sure to have preventative measures in place in each new setting. Your child will still need support (and maybe a little extra support) when celebrating with family and friends.

Explain
Decide in advance how you would like to communicate information about your child and his/her needs to friends and family. Your doctor may have brochures you can share, depending on how detailed you would like to be. It is helpful to let other individuals know what modifications may be made and how your child may respond. Many families find it helpful to work out a plan in advance for responding to challenging behavior, should it occur in the presence of new people or people your child is not with very often.

Have Fun
Even though the holiday season can be stressful, remember to “be” (see November’s blog). Have fun with your child. Let them know they are loved and will be safe and you are both prepared to handle challenging situations.

Remember, you will never be able to predict everything. Sometimes a monkey wrench is tossed into the situation. Model good coping skills when this happens. Change can be OK and growth may even occur when challenges are experienced.

 Warm Wishes for a Happy and Healthy Holiday Season!

The “Being” Experience During the Holidays

“We are human beings, not human doings.” This phrase really resonates with me, especially around the holidays. A colleague introduced me to this concept a few months ago, and it popped up again in a book I was reading recently. I think I am being reminded of something. We human beings have many opportunities to choose how to spend our time every day. We can choose to use our time for people, technology, trips, exercise, sleep, TV, chores, work, errands, etc. As we all know very well, the list can go on and on. Thinking about this phrase reminds me that this is the point. The list does go on and on. There will always be another activity, chore, phone call to make, thing to buy, or meeting to attend.  Our loved ones and friends, however, may not always be there waiting for us while we check things off of our to-do list. Knowing this is a gentle nudge to use our time wisely and make room for mindfully being with people in our community.

When I say community, I don’t just mean our neighborhood. I mean who is present in our personal community in our lives. This may include (not limited to) parents, children, siblings, grandparents, a spiritual being (e.g., God), friends, co-workers and neighbors.

As a psychologist working with children (and adults), I see families feeling so busy, stressed, and running from one activity to the next. Kids will tell me how they have such a busy week that they think about everything they need to do while they are in school- Soccer, gymnastics, Boy Scouts, Girl Scouts, church, dance, HW, football, drama club, birthday parties, and, of course, their appointment with me. Parents will say they run from one appointment and activity to the next for themselves and for each of their kids.

For parents, it is so important to remember that you are a human being and not a human doing. Your children are yearning for your time. Some kids feels that their parents don’t spend enough time with them, and their parents don’t understand this because they are bringing them to all of these activities and are maybe coaching their team or leading their club. These are truly wonderful ways to spend time with your kids. But kids want more. They want special mommy or daddy time. They want special family time. This means choosing to spend time playing, reading, laughing, tickling, chasing, talking, listening, and relaxing rather than running, rushing, accomplishing, and achieving. This is the difference between being and doing.

I have seen many kids in my practice who are engaging in problem behaviors at home. These may include yelling, hitting, not following directions, and arguing. Mom and dad feel forced to attend to their kids when they are acting this way. But, it is important to remember that all behavior is communication. Some of these behaviors may be communicating that they want to spend more time with you and they don’t know how else to show it. When you attend to problem behaviors, you attend to the child as well.

I find it helpful to plan ahead and make a schedule for work and for family time. I also find that flexibility in your plan is just as important as having one. Part of cultivating community is being flexible, going with the flow, and accepting what comes up in your day. Sometimes you feel you have to be in three places at once, and sometimes you need to be with your kids if they are sick, sad, or need to talk. As this holiday season approaches, let us remember to take time to choose being and not doing all the time. If we are being, we may be able to actually accomplish more than if we are focused on doing. We will likely have more fun through the season as well.

How will you be a human being and not a human doing this holiday season?

Halloween and Anxiety: A Good Treat or a Bad Trick?

It's October, which means that school has been in session for a while, the leaves are changing beautiful colors, the temperature is cooling, and the holidays seem to be just around the corner. October is also a month during which many children and families (and some grown-ups too) are getting ready for Halloween. They are shopping for costumes, candy, and decorations. Many kids like to do the decorating themselves, allowing them to express independence and creativity.

Some homes are decorated with spider webs and pumpkins. Others are grounds for mock cemeteries with RIP stones on the lawn or have elaborate haunted houses available. Some homes have human size fake bodies covered in blood or with missing body parts stationed in front. Many people will enjoy these decorations in the spirit of Halloween. Many will not.

What about people who suffer from anxiety? What about children who have nightmares at the first look of a scary cartoon? What about adults with a fear of dying, getting injured in some way, or getting lost where they can't escape? How are these individuals affected?

People with anxiety may experience Halloween differently. We are all individuals and can tolerate different types of stimuli. Some will have nightmares (yes, even grown-ups), want to avoid certain settings (trick or treating at certain houses, parties at school, scary movies), or become fearful.

This is important to remember as you decide how you will celebrate.  If you are a parent and your child suffers from anxiety, you know your child best. If you are an adult, you know yourself best. It is OK and healthy to decide which festive activities to participate in.

There are many programs designed for children that are actually very scary. Many "kid friendly" shows and movies can present concepts that may be difficult to understand such as kidnapping, death, illness, witchcraft, and ghosts. As a parent it is important to be sure that you are permitting your child to experience material that is appropriate developmentally and emotionally.

Now, let's not be confused with exposure treatment for anxiety. A general rule of thumb is that when we avoid something we are anxious about, it reinforces our anxiety, making it more difficult to face that situation in the future. This is true. Within the context of Halloween, however, I believe it is OK to avoid certain stimuli that are not needed for healthy development or functioning. If your child cannot attend school during the season because he/she is afraid of the parties, decorations, or costumes, it is important for him/her to attend school anyway. This would be a case when anxiety can be inadvertently reinforced if the child is permitted to stay home. A talk with the teacher may help to modify classroom stimuli to make it safer for your child to be there. Working with your child on coping skills can also help him/her feel safe in school. If your child wants to avoid scary movies, then this is OK. Let them. One does not need to be exposed to scary or horror films in order to develop appropriately. One does, however, need to be educated. See the difference?

And for you grown-ups out there who love horror films and Halloween parties, have fun! For those of you who want to crawl into a hole instead of watching the "however many nights of Halloween" specials on TV, then read on. It is OK that you do not like this material. We all have different tastes, interests, and levels of tolerance. Decide how you would like the next few weeks to be for you and make a plan.

Trick or treating is another interesting activity for people with anxiety. Think about it. You dress up in a costume, walk up to a stranger's door (or hopefully someone you know and have determined is safe to trick or treat from), knock, wait for someone to answer, say "Trick or Treat," hold open your bag or bucket, say "thank you," walk away, and repeat. Also, you have to stay with your friends and family, possibly walk a long distance in unusual clothing, and accept whatever treat has been given to you. Not such a simple process, right? Trick or treating can be a great way to practice social skills, follow a routine, and be exposed to new and unpredictable situations. However, how important a life skill is it to knock on people's doors and ask for treats? You decide.

Consider all of this information as you decide, either for yourself or your children, how to participate in Halloween. You can choose the specific activities to join, consumes to wear, stores to shop in, parties to attend, houses to trick or treat at, movies to watch, or candy to eat. Utilizing your power to choose is a great skill to practice for healthy development and functioning.

So, what is Halloween for you? A good treat or a bad trick?

#Halloween #Anxiety

How to Have a Fun, Meaningful, Successful, and Memorable College Experience

 

College-what an exciting and terrifying time! It's exciting and terrifying for both students and parents. It’s the start of a brand new learning experience. It's an opportunity to shed old reputations and try on new ones. It's a time to challenge yourself and reach goals you never thought you could. It's a time to form lasting relationships and friendships. It's a time to learn and practice stress and time management skills. It's also a time when independence and autonomy gets tested. It's when "all nighters" might be pulled, parties are attended, and anxiety experienced.  

 

Many people describe college as life changing and feeling as if they have grown tremendously during the years they spent in school. College can be a truly amazing and fantastic experience that can impact your life in a healthy and positive way. For some, however, ineffective management of college life can impede on personal growth and can even be hurtful. 

 

What kind of college student are you? What kind of college student do you hope to be? If you are a parent of a college student, what kinds of hopes and dreams do you have for your "all grown up" child? 

 

If you want to have a fun, meaningful, successful, and memorable college experience, then please read on!  

 

This is an exclusive sneak peak into my brand new initiative, the College Suite. This will be open to students, parents, and teachers. Details coming soon. I can't wait to share this opportunity with you! 

 

In the meantime, I have included a selection of helpful strategies from the College Suite that I have learned, taught, and practiced for having a super college experience.  

 

Get Involved! 

Getting involved in college activities, clubs, and events can change a boring and stressful college experience into a fulfilling one.  This is true even if you feel like you can't possibly fit another minute into your day. Joining a club or attending an event can actually help refresh your mind and make those classes and homework time more productive. 

 

Reevaluate 

What worked in high school might not work in college. What works in one class might not work with another class. What works with one professor might not work with another. This means that it is important for you reevaluate your study techniques (flash cards, highlighting, groups, etc.), test taking strategies, workload management, etc. 

 

Be Here Now 

One can be in attendance in class but not be present. This means mindfully being in the room with your attention and awareness focused in the present moment. Really hear and see what the professor is teaching. You can text and Facebook surf later. You can daydream later. Your messages will be waiting for you. What was taught in class may not be repeated and you may miss an important piece of information. 

 

Take Care of Test Anxiety 

Many college students struggle with test anxiety, even if they have never experienced anxiety before. Learning effective study strategies, preparing adequately (not too much and not too little) for exams, practicing deep breathing, managing stress, and learning effective test taking techniques can really help alleviate discomfort and enhance performance. The counseling center on campus and a therapist in the community can help too. 

 

Check my website and Facebook page for updates in the next few weeks about how to join the College Suite. You can also sign up for my newsletter on the website and you will be the first to know!

#collegesuccess  #collegeexperience